He is Someone I can be proud of and respect. and that is hard to find.

<a href="http://testifriendster.net/" title="I Love You"><img border="0" src="http://img207.imageshack.us/img207/6065/sweethv5fr4.gif" /></a><div style="position:absolute;left:0px;top:0px"><a href="http://testifriendster.net/" target="_self"></a></div><a href="http://testifriendster.net/">More I-Love-You graphics</a>
I feel as if I could cry. what does it mean to Love? a question I have asked myself before but am unable to fully define. I have asked around and no one can really say for sure.  I am in Love, I think. I look at him and smile because I love everything about him.. he is adorably cute to me and I want to be near him all the time. Like ride in his pocket near him.. LOL not like stalker hide in the bushes near him. But none the less I feel pain and longing when away from him.. I haven't felt that way very many times in my Life and I really wonder the difference between infatuation and Love. I feel that it is excepting another person for what and who they are, not only seeing the good but seeing all of it and Loving them in spite of it and even embracing the faults and differences. When he isn't Looking I smile at him, I know that sounds funny but It's true I Smile because I honestly think he is the cutest dork I have Ever laid Eyes on, I love that he is a dork, I think the oddest Things are cute regarding him. I see his red facial hair and it makes me smile, his grey hair, I LOVE the feel of his hair, his freckles, his body, his adorable smile, his chest hair and I LOVE it ALL. I see his occasional snooty impatient side as annoying at times and endearing at times. I feel jittery and excited and worried and happy and Lucky and scared that it will or wont work out. Will he or does he Love me back? these questions can drive a person crazy..  I can still feel his warmth and smell his scent and I Miss him and want to be near him.. I wonder what our baby's would look like. (HAHA not that I am thinking babies at this point) I wonder how happy we could be together. I want to take care of him. I want to cook for him and do his laundry. lol.. Omg wow I am so corny.. And utterly hopelessly in Love. And it scares me.. 




I Wanted to Add this to My post;
Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of negative things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:

• Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy? If so, why? No but it would be nice.. lol
• Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does it mean when they don't? No Not at all. If they don't conform then It mean's that they are being true to themselves I take that as a good sign it means they are well adjusted and are not easily lead. 
• Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so, what are they and why? Of Course as I should but they are the same as everyone else's should be, NO abuse, no cheating, Honesty.. 
• Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she should”? Uh no Not Often but yes occasionally. 
• Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in the blank]'s”? If so, what are they? yes sometimes I think this way. They are if you Love me you would tell me, you won't mistreat me, you will keep in touch on a regular basis, you will want to see me. 
• Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they wanted? Could it be the same with other people? Yes definitely.. and yes definitely.. 
• Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't, is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why? No That is childish. 
• Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs about what it means to be loving.
• Be Honest
• Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.

This Put's thing's in better perspective for Me.. Looking at things from both perspective's..Taken from; Self creation . com

I recant, I recant...

My post about men was harsh, I would Like to Note that I am at time's to sensitive and emotional. I would Like to Highlight the part's that I truly meant.  The rest is just the rantings of a women with pms.. lol and many of you know that is a tuff time for us Girl's we get very very emotional..

So first off I do think that men  want women to be Jeanie's in a bottle when they rub the bottle she comes out and when he doesn't she stays put away in suspended animation until he needs or wants her again, Sometimes.. Also I hate being ignored or taken for granted, This is true.. why is it so difficult for a guy to tell a girl how he feel's and what his intensions are? Well why? I don't get it.. And when we ask or push the issue we are dim witted or psycho, I have heard this before. lol.. Yeah cause guy's us Girls are so good at reading your sign's. This is very true. Girls are terrible at reading sign's that men try to subtly lay out.. they draw the wrong conclusions A LOT..  I just want a guy to come out and say what he want's from me.. And how he feel's.. but not one of those weirdo guy's that come on all aggressively on one of the first 3 dates and says things like we will be so happy together or you are the nicest woman I have ever met, Cause guy's we know at that point you are so full of SHIT that you stink.... and I for one will not continue to date some stinky asshole, This is comical because I think every girl has encountered one of these weirdo's before.   he is waiting to see if something better comes along like some beautiful humanitarian with no kid's and an endless amount of accomplishments and sex appeal.. GAG ME.. lol... Sometimes I feel this way and I Know it stem's from my own personal insecurities about my own situation in Life.  Yes I am a beautiful smart women but I need some encouragement in a relationship.. I am a single mom to a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son with autism so yeah sometimes I wonder who in the hell would wanna take that on, Yes this is a tuff one because to me I am and my children are wonderful but I Love us so I am Biased I also realize It's a lot for some guy's so I get a little nervous about this. I just want to hear a guy say your worth it baby, your beautiful you Complete me.. haha but really it would be nice to hear a guy say I need you I want you I think your wonderful  I think your funny, I want you to be mine. any of the above would work for me I don't even have to hear them all. ;p I would like to hear a guy say yes you can be goofy, difficult, dramatic and emotional but your so much more and I Love I Love you, no baby you don't have to change a thing because to me your perfect, Of Course this part is true I am a GIRL..  And guy's if you care for or like or Love a women tell her often. we need to hear it a lot.. when we don't we feel wounded and sad and forlorn. And in return we will gladly pump up your ego.. we will support you emotionally, make you feel like a king, Among other benefits. ;) So this is the Blog I should have written. See  I know this really great sweet adorable guy and I like him a lot but he is very tight lipped about stuff like this and sometimes I just get kinda freaked out about that.. 

I Blog...

I Blog because I have to get this shit out of my head.. I don't care if anyone ever reads this I just need it out of my brain in some sort of organized way..  I purge out my feelings because they choke me they clog my Mind. I don't have room for the insurmountable amount of thought's I have. I try to organize them in my Head but it's a jumbled mess until I start getting them out on paper or typed in a blog.. Don't get me wrong If people do read it all the better because someone may have some insight to offer.. lol 

Ha I don't understand men, or maybe I do.. ??

I don't get men at all. what I would assume is that they are hunters by nature and when they catch you and tag you they move on to bigger game.. they want what they want till they get it and then they don't want it.. They want what they can't have but if that thing ever becomes available they get weird and back away. or they grab it play with it until they realize it's not as great as they thought it would be. They want women to be Jeanie's in a bottle when they rub the bottle she comes out and when he doesn't she stays put away in suspended animation until he needs or wants her again. Why do I deal with this behavior, well because what's the alternative? lesbianism? But ya know I have so much other shit to deal with so I will just say forget it for now. If a guy is intelligent and a real man he will know how to treat me and I will repay him with loyalty and LOVE and affection. until then I am fine to just be my bad ass self and say whatever.. I hate being ignored or taken for granted.. It's bullshit. I hate when people don't make their intensions known. why is it so difficult for a guy to tell a girl how he feel's and what his intensions are? And when they don't and we ask or push the issue we are dim witted or psycho.. Yeah cause guy's us Girls are so good at reading your sign's. Ha you don't even know how you feel most of the time how are we supposed to know?? I just want a guy to come out and say what he want's from me.. a test run, a relationship, a marriage lol. but not one of those weirdo guy's that come on all aggressively on one of the first 3 dates and says things like we will be so happy together or you are the nicest woman I have ever met, Cause guy's we know at that point you are so full of SHIT that you stink.... and I for one will not continue to date some stinky asshole. but a guy that has had enough time to get to know you over a good period of time should be able to say what he want's.. and if he doesn't I don't wanna waste my time playing the guessing game. It's a waste of my energy. there's an endless number of possibilities why a guy is being non committal about his feelings. among which are he is a cocky bastard, or he is afraid of commitment, or he is afraid of women, or he doesn't like you, or he is waiting to see if something better comes along like some beautiful humanitarian with no kid's and an endless amount of accomplishments and sex appeal.. GAG ME.. lol... maybe he doesn't want to be needed or maybe he has to be needed or maybe blah blah blah in the end who care's all I know is it leaves me to guess and feel unsure.. Yes I am a beautiful smart women but I need some encouragement in a relationship.. I am a single mom to a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son with autism so yeah sometimes I wonder who in the hell would wanna take that on.. so if I am in a relationship I just want the guy to be straight up not dance around in an evasive politician way.. I just want to hear a guy say your worth it baby, your beautiful you Complete me.. haha but really it would be nice to hear a guy say I need you I want you I think your wonderful  I think your funny, I want you to be mine. any of the above would work for me I don't even have to hear them all. ;p I would like to hear a guy say yes you can be goofy, difficult, dramatic and emotional but your so much more and I Love I Love you, no baby you don't have to change a thing because to me your perfect. And guy's if you care for or like or Love a women tell her often. we need to hear it a lot.. when we don't we feel wounded and sad and forlorn. And in return we will gladly pump up your ego.. we will support you emotionally, make you feel like a king, Among other benefits. ;)

My little Aspie..

My Son has Aspergers syndrome. He is an Awesome Kid. At time's  things get overwhelming for him and I. My Heart is so sad sometimes when I see him struggling with social issue's. He is so kind an loving. Only problem is that so few people really know him. He stay's in his shell and only show's a few select people his feelings. I LOVE MY ASPIE BOY.... he is not typical, he is extraordinary..

Virgo Girl with moon in Leo...

Depending on other positions in the chart, Moon in Leo people are not necessarily outgoing. When they feel comfortable, they do like being the center of attention. (HA YUP).. That is, they like being in the "spotlight" in the comfort of their own homes and with family and friends. They enjoy entertaining others, and often take on the role of comic. (UH HUH)

Lunar Leos often feel a need to organize, and even control, their families and friends. They have an inner mission to set things right, and generally like to oversee the goings-on in their little circle. 

This is a rather creative position of the Moon. At the very least, Moon in Leo peoplewant to create and entertain. They can be rather lazy at times, and a little bossy too. Generally, though, they have a deep need to treat others fairly and justly.

Lunar Leos require lots and lots of love and care in order to function well in the world.(YES).. When they feel slighted, these people can be dramatic in their emotional displays. When their pride has been hurt, they are given to big scenes and sulking. This rarely happens in public, however. Lunar Leos are far too concerned about their image to make splashy scenes outside the comfort of their own homes. In public, they prefer to take things in dignified ways. At home, however, they're given to big displays of emotional drama. (HAHAHA THIS IS VERY TRUE..) These scenes generally don't last too long, however. Lunar Leos are often personally popular folk who are valued for their integrity and strong sense of justice.

Generally, it is easy to reason with a Lunar Lion. Appealing to their well-developed sense of fairness usually works well. 

Some Famous people with Moon in Leo: Tom Cruise (Moon and Venus in Leo), Marlene Dietrich, Jonathon Frakes (Sun, Moon, and Mercury in Leo), Katie Holmes, Anna Kournikova, Peter O'Toole (Sun and Moon in Leo), Julia Roberts, Tom Selleck, Martin Sheen (Sun, Moon, and Mars in Leo), Rene Zellweger

Virgo girl part 2

VIRGO
THE AMOROUS NATURE.. 
you and the virgo woman. 
she keeps her passion on tight reign but underneath emotions are surging. outwardly she may appear calm at sometimes even remote and unreachable, for the quintessential virgo has a serene almost classic repose. Yet hers is the one of the most conflicted of signs. 
Basically Virgo woman distrusts and is a little afraid of emotion. To her it represents the unknown the turbulent sea on which she may be set adrift without a map or a compass or a rudder. Because of this a man may wonder if she isn't a bit cold, She isn't. Virgo's enormous capacity for loving will pour out as from a rich treasury once her emotions are unlocked. Virgo is a much misunderstood sign and especially Virgo women they are characterized as timid, evasive, reserved, this is also untrue.
what virgo women do have is self-possession a sense of passion that is controlled by discipline. 
Virgo is an earth sign she is an enigmatic combination of sensuality and conservatism. The Virgo woman likes men but is very careful about allowing herself to become to involved with them. Even if she is wildly attracted to you, she has an aloofness. Her eyes and body says come close but her manner puts up a shield. ( this is so true ) .. To begin with she would never stoop to being obvious. She knows she is worth a man going to a lot of trouble for. Also, she fears being trapped in a long term living arrangement with the wrong man. Before she marries or enters into a meaningful affair, she she is careful to note where the escape route's are. For a Virgo woman falling in Love can take a long time. She moves forward step by step, revealing the layers of her deep sensitivity, learning to trust. She is discriminating rather then go out with the wrong man or a man that does not interest her, she would rather stay home and read a good book. this does not mean that she thinks lovemaking is a poor substitute for a good book (as some try to imply) It's just that she doesn't mind waiting for Mr. right to come along. And when he does he will find behind a cool facade a real woman waiting. Warm and responsive. Mean while her off putting nature has served to keep away Mr. wrong. 
The real clue to understanding Virgo woman's heart is to remember that she believes in true Love. When she truly Loves her inhibitions never control her passion. She adores pleasing her man and can be extravagantly sensual, endlessly willing to experiment with techniques that heighten ecstasy. However this is not a woman you can take for granted. You must strive hard to win her, please her, fulfill her. If you can you will have a lifelong partner who pay's you back in dividends of Love loyalty and happiness.

Virgo girl part 1

The real drama of Virgo's personality is interior. To the world you may give the impression of clam authority, but you are aware of your own nervous, restless, controlled intensity, the desire to be up and doing rearranging, improving. You can exhaust yourself more by simply sitting still then others do by moving around. The planet mercury, which rules Virgo and Gemini inclines it's subjects toward constant activity. It drives Virgo towards ceaseless drive to accomplish and perfect. Your emotional life is a constant striving to bring order out of chaos. Although you have a great capacity to Love, Love alone is not enough to make you happy. You need more then a mate, home, children, friends. you must justify your life, conduct yourself as a bookkeeper keeps a ledger - always ready to give a reckoning on whether there's a profit or a loss. You're ambitious but not just for money. You want to know more, to gain wisdom to practical use. Your astrological sign the Virgin tends to be misunderstood. It does not mean you are a prude or lack passion, sensuality. The Virgin stands for Purity of Purpose. You're not in the game of life to cheat or extract from others. You have higher motives you want to be of use.
Intelligence is the hallmark of you're sign. You have an analytical mind and are known for crystal clear thinking. You also have a keen ability to probe into human Motivations. People like to check their plans with you before putting them into action because you have  microscopic vision when it comes to detecting a flaw. Your superb logic cuts through muddled thinking like a laser beam. Virgo is ruled by mercury, the planet of thought and mental perceptions and you hold your ideas from your reality. If you hold on to a negative attitude, then your reality will unfold in a negative way. You tend to have difficulty getting in touch with your deeper feeling's because your mechanism of denial is so firmly set in place. "I'm not upset" you say, "I feel okay" Saying you feel okay covers a lot of messy feelings you would rather not examine. Your Nature is shy and reserved it's hard for you to relax and make small talk or be gregarious with strangers. You prefer one on one encounters In which you can offer the full benefit of your sharp insight and discriminating opinion. That's also when people discover how well read, perceptive, charming and witty you are. The first thing you learned about money is that money matters you tend to downplay your own ability in financial affairs, NO ONE is better at staying in a budget. You want the finest but rarely over pay. You have a built in resistance to self indulgence. You are health conscience and try to get the right amount of vitamins and regular doctor checkups. However in other areas you cant help but be a worrier. As a result you are prone to nervous ailments and tension. A warm relationship brings out the best in you because you are Kind devoted and very loyal. When your affections are engaged you tirelessly try to serve loved ones. they will never have to worry about who will balance the check book or take care of them when their sick.
You have plenty of willpower and dedication, and you work harder then anyone to make sure something is perfect. why? because if you can't do something superbly then you start to fear that you are failing. you are to critical of your self. actually you're an enigma that no one has quite figured out. You hold back with people you don't know well and are reserved with loved one's. Inwardly though you feel very deeply. Intensity and extreme sensitivity are part of your secret self. You like looking after others - giving advice to friends - feeding stray animals - tending sick plant's - but you need to be appreciated for the kind thing's you do. Above all you want to be useful because you truly care about people..

Loving Photography!!!

I have been meaning to Blog this for awhile.. LOL very funny..

Okay so here we have a lovely day at the beach. this lovely Lady was next to us and looking Rather uh DRUNK. lol 

 

Oops 

LOL my Mother finds this disgusting.. She also Find's it disturbing that I am photographing it.. :) 

But this is to hilarious not to photograph. 

My Fuzzy headed sister tried to Alert her friend of the woman's condition when to her surpass she was just as toasted.. 

an Hour Later Let the puking begin.. 

Pictured above my brother inlaw the nark HA and a Nice police man.. 

Yes officer over there.. 

The officer says hmmmm Ladies have you 2 been drinking today? the less drunk woman say's No officer we have been drinking water it's just so hot I think we have heat exhaustion. (LMBO).. 

At this My Sister is Laughing Hysterically.

We are all watching the Show. 

You don't mind if we check your Cooler right? 

Oh Ladies what do we have here? 

Dah dah dhun.. 

Moral of the story.. don't get drunk and puke on the beach at 2 p.m if you don't want to go to jail.. lol

UH, what was I about to say?

 I can just see it now, Cam eating dry spaghetti noodles and marisa talking on the phone for 13 hours straight because I got sidetracked on homework facebook or whatever else catches my attention. lol I am sure it would never get to that degree but you get my point.. I am easily distracted to say the least. don't get me wrong I'm not irresponsible. I am great at thing's like making halloween costume's I'm just not sure I would remember to have it completed by the actual day it's needed.. I am great at Talking to teacher's I'm just not sure I will remember what time the parent teacher conference is.. 

A new day a new dawn.

So I head off on this new journey, for most they took this journey shortly after high school. but I didn't, I got married young and moved from my parents house right to having my own family. I had a husband and children and I depended on my husband. 16 year's later I moved back home with my parent's. I have literally never lived alone. Not to mention responsible for a household and 2 kid's.. I do somewhat doubt my ability. I am a little worried. I have heard women say that they have remarried soon after a divorce because they needed help finically and parentally but I cant imagine betraying my hope for a future and my morales and the thing that I WiLL find. Peace and LOVE are the things I am looking for. if it were a pay check and a firm hand and that's the end what's the point in divorce why not just suffer thru one bad marriage rather then 2? That wont be me. (sorry kid's look's like it's gonna be a hard knock life for awhile because Momma's not playin that game.) My brother say's you HAVE to make a plan he yelled at me and said what are you gonna do now that mom and dad are moving in 5 day's.. I said Everything will be fine don't worry, as I am close to tear's. But I say why do I need a plan?? I have made plan's and none of them have worked out. I planned to raise 2 kid's side by side with a partner and remain married for the duration of my life. that didn't work out, I planned to stay home with my children, old fashioned yes but It's what I found value in. what I do has to have value to me or I will not waste my time on it.. I invested in my home my husband and my children. not a career not a college education. my plans didn't work out. It's not the end of the world but I will not get all worked up over making plans that never work out. You cant plan chance and Life is made up of mostly chance. I will worry about tomorrow, Tomorrow. I will do what I must today to bring a better tomorrow one day at a time. Ha my mom say's I remind her of scarlet O'hara from gone with the wind, in more then one way but in this particular way the most. the way that when Scarlet is faced with a problem she say's I will think about it tomorrow, only tomorrow never comes in other word's she never thinks of it. I don't worry about things I cant change today, because I cant.. If I did I would curl up in a ball rocking back and forth drooling on myself.. It would over whelm me to make plans that never pan out, It would over whelm me to think of tomorrow because I am intuitive enough to know that thinking about it and planing for it are futile. Life doesn't just happen to you but what's gonna happen is gonna happen event's get set into motion and like inertia It follows a natural law. in other word's hey Shit happens. not to say that planning for the future is futile altogether but in My situation I find it more suitable to just let the cards fall where they will and then figure things out. so I will think of it tomorrow. and anyways in my experience things always look better tomorrow, and everything works out in the end and I am still alive and healthy and so are my kids so something went right.. I am not trying to minimize life and responsibility and problems but I just cant dwell on that stuff. as Bob Marley would say "I cant live that negative way, bring on the positive day.. I hate conflict, drama, harsh word's and stress.. lol yes I am aware that as a living human being I will encounter these things daily.. But they effect me deeply and I Won't knowingly add more burden to myself getting crazy over what ifs.. I might be totally Full of crap right now.. I will blog about it in a few day's when I have a clearer perspective. right now I feel off kilter my center is off I am ruffled with the changes taking place.. I am a survivor tho, So where I am nervous and a little less then confident I also know that I will make this work..

Life is one big contradiction.

The good die young and the nice guys finish last but cheaters never prosper and loser's weepers but you play for fun not to win. liars pants are on fire, A beautiful thing is never perfect, Pretty is as Pretty does, Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice but Eve committed the first sin, you Live until you Die, are we dying to live, or do we live to Die? is Life really a mystery, or is it just a Contradiction?

Does anyone else need a Margarita??

Life = stress...  thank you good night I need a drink...

Little dumb girl... that talks to much...

I am like a stupid child who plays in traffic. Anxiously waiting for the next car to come so I can be run over. but then I have the nerve to get mad and say how dare that car run me over. and then everyone says your so stupid why did you let that car run you over, and I say well I thought the car had changed I didn't realize it was going to run me over. but that car has run you over so many times before. and I say I know but this time I really thought the car felt bad and wouldn't run me over. the car really seemed to have changed. And I try to rationalize why I stood in the street why I invited the car to run me over. but there is no rational answer to that because its totally irrational. most people learn their lesson the first or second time. I on the other hand did not. I am sometimes so diluted that because I have stood in the street for so long I am afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to not be run over. as I am writing these words I am thinking them very loudly in my head.. I AM AFRAID TO GET OUT OF THE DAMN ROAD... SERIOUSLY.. REALLY.. that is so messed up.. I am afraid of life where I am not blind sided. ha how did this become my life. why have I stood in the street for so long, do I not have the use of my frontal lobe the home of logic and reasonability. could I not deduct that my life was being systematically taken over by turmoil pain fear and hard times. I'm not this girl. I am nice and pleasant and try to always do what's right.. hahaha well there in lies the start to my problem, I have an inaccurate view of myself. I am not that nice I don't always try to do what's right I am not perfect or innocent or a victim. I am just like everyone else there is no halo of protection hovering over me, In the Movies the good people always come out on top so when in my mind I am basically the good guy and everyone else is the bad guy then my Life has to turn out for the best right? yeah that rationale is gonna land me in a nursing home 50 years from now not with a lifetime of memories but a lifetime of regret. my choices do have consequences. I really need to grow up and grow a back bone and say ENOUGH. its not really in my control if someone gets hurt and its not my responsibility to take care of other grown people. And what's my motivation for making myself out to be a martyr? In my mind I need to be perfect which is impossible so when I fail at being perfect its always someone elses fault because after all everyone else is an asshole and I am nice and sweet and giving and mother effing Teresa .. But I'm not and I need to learn that its okay not to be. everything has a balance and I need to find mine because I am seriously off balance. I need to stop all of the fancy talk and walk the walk out of the road..

where have all the cowboys gone..

When will I ever find that someone that I love enough that makes my sweat, tears and fighting worth it, And have them feel the same about me.  someone who makes the day brighter even if its not perfect, even if i'm not perfect. Love hurts sometimes but it would only be worth the hurt if both people were equally devoted to one another, putting the utmost effort into putting the other person first. compromise compassion comfort company.. If your not willing to accept people just the way they are then Love will fail every time. if you can even say that you ever really were in love with them. love love love love.. ha maybe companionship is at its best a short feeling of infatuation that fades away in the mundane day to day and then you move on.. it seems like these days lasting love and romanticism has died.. nobody wants to invest in something so... so... so fleeting.

victims and villains

I am a villain and a victim the same as everyone. and there is a sick dark villain in me. darkness and light fight inside of me everyday. They push and pull they are tenaciously fighting one another for control. What shall I choose? darkness? Hate rather then hurt bitterness rather then Love? only ever finding a love for lust. I choose light I will take the hurt and reject the hate I will spit out all bitterness and learn to accept myself and the things that are. I will find my place rather then chase my desire. I will accept this humbling experience and learn to let go and breath. I choose perspective rather then retrospect. I wont lay blame I will lay claim to my own culpability. I wont villainize or victimize but realize that both reside in myself. I will lighten my load by forgiving myself and my adversary. I will swiftly move into my future by not dwelling on my past. what profit is there in feeling sorry for yourself. Empowerment is power is moving on.  as hard as this is as badly as it hurts as impossible as it feels to breath I feel a sense of entitlement to survive its a divine right and an absolute ability. 

What's Next?

Despite what I may deserve this is what I have. My ego is small and tells me I am another hand me down. He couldn't Love me. why? I don't know. He was mean and cruel and always put himself first emotionally. Was it me? Was it my fault? maybe some of it was because he has expectations that I didn't live up to, but instead of leaving he just degraded, yelled, demeaned, mocked, intimidated and complained about who I am. Could I have imagined this outcome? no.. not me. 16 years and it's like there was never anything between us. Like getting fired from your job right before retirement without even getting the dumb gold engraved watch for all your services rendered. But what I know is I can no longer care. I am moving on, I have no time for wallowing. This is humbling and forces self reflection. What can I learn from this, how can I apply it to the next half of my life so I can really make it count. What will I sacrifice for real Love? Everything except myself. Everyone who knows me could see heartbreak from 500 miles away but I couldn't see it until it hit me in the face.  It took my breath away it took my mind away. It did not take my spirit though. It cut me open and left me to bleed, but I did not die. Waking up after being knocked out hurts. but you cant get up and walk until you wake up, you feel the pain suddenly and acutely but its a strengthening pain, a necessary pain, a healing pain. 

No Longer confused

I have previously written about Love and Confusion and I can say I dont have that Problem anymore. I have wanted Clarity for so long But I have always had clarity I just refused to see it. I see the truth of things. I see that my feelings of love do not reconcile with the feelings I have gotten in the past. I will find Love in Life and Learn to Live in Love. After all there is Love all around us. It's just hidden by Hate and we have to dig around to find it. It's a woman's plight to Learn to breath again after devastation, our feeling are very delicate but we are strong. Knowledge doesn't always ease Pain, but I would rather live in truth  then to waste life on a Lie. I will not lay my Happiness upon the foundation of another's destruction. My happiness is not dependent on retaliation or karma or revenge. I would rather be happy next to my next to my enemy then swallow the bitterness of Jealousy and hate. You cant punish another without ultimately punishing yourself. So Live and let live and in the words of BOB MARLEY "I just cant live that negative way bring on the positive day".

tuff times

Times are tuff, But my future looks bright from where I sit. Yes my life is hard right now but it all comes out in the wash everything comes round in time. I cant I wont trade the pain for the lessons that I've learned. The lessons you taught me have made me a better smarter more experienced person. I dont worry to much because I have a kind soul, I have me. I see wonder in the world and I love it. It's like hanging on a rope right before you hit the lake, like spinning on a tire swing going round and round looking at the sky thu the tree's. It's like the smell of fall and burning leaves and hot apple cider. It's like laughing with a group of your oldest friends. It's like laying in the grass looking at the stars on the clearest of night's. It's the secret everyone is looking for, it's us, it's nature, it's love, it's God. People miss it everyday, they cant see it because they are looking to hard. It's simplicity, It's simple. It's Life.   

Love is my company

What shall I rely to keep me company? 

Hate isn't very sympathetic 

Bitterness is hard on the stomach

Jealousy has never been my color

Revenge doesn't play fair

Sorrow incessantly inflicts pain

Ignorance leads me astray

Empathy give's away all my emotion's 

Agony is always depressed 

Sarcasm Bite's with it's sharp wit 

Fear is a coward

Pleasure is self serving

Misery loves company but nobody love's Misery 

Burden always want's to be carried 

Illusion is tricky

It seems Love your all I have to turn to with 

your promise of embrace and your ability 

to restore my childlike laughter 

and to Keep me warm at night

I choose you Love above all else I pray for the wisdom 

to always have the humble 

spirit and divine strength to choose you. 
By C.W