A Beautiful Mind

A Beautiful Mind
A Beautiful mind

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I have a crack in my soul and in my heart. I am begging crying pleading for someone to fix this crack or break me completely.. It's the crack that is the worst.. I can't say I am fully broken if I were I wouldn't feel. I wouldn't care.. the crack doesn't totally drain me just lets the pain seep slowly. It prevents me from moving forward. I wish someone would come save me from the slow fade that I feel..

Thursday, November 18, 2010

my soul is out of order.

I am In Love But I am alone.. It is the worst I have ever felt. I am by nature such a happy go lucky fly by the seat of my pants kinda girl. I can find the positive in most things and I can find fun and laughter in anything. But I feel CRUSHED as never before. I feel defeated by Love as if it set out to test my loyalty, to test how much I would REALLY give for it. My motto is everyone love everyone. All you need is love. Love is what life is about. HA Well Love you got me.. I am defeated I have lost. I hurt, I breath I cry. It is funny how you think your in love when you are in a relationship but it's at the end of it that it is most easily recognized. It's the loss of a thing that brings your feelings to the surface in a way you hadn't felt them before. Love is a tricky bitch she fill us with hope and blinds us with the rainbow of possibilities, We don't even see the heart break coming. ha I say heart break but that does not even describe the seriousness of the situation. I should say heart body mind and soul break.. that would better describe the feelings that are rushing thru my beautiful but rejected body. what is beauty when the one you want /need /have to have doesn't want you? I ask you what is a personality or a sense of humor or a pure heart or a magnificent soul in the face of absolute pain and torture? It is an impossible situation. I want to spit in the eye of love. I want to disown love and forget she ever existed. whoever said forgiveness is hard is stupid.. forgiveness is easy forgiveness is a choice you can choose to make. I choose to forgive my enemy's because to not forgive would hurt me far more then the person I hate from afar who can't feel my stone cold dead glare. the cold draft would freeze my heart not theirs. It is forgetting that is impossible.. forgetting is not a choice you can make. It's not something you can just decide to do. your heart and your mind and your soul remember because first without the memories no lesson second without the memories life means nothing. the time spent with the people you love is meaningless and serves only to fill the space in time. third without the memory's you remain unchanged by those you encounter and as uncomfortable and scary as it is change is essential for life to continue.

*sigh* he said.. and her heart broke.

My heart is shaking from the shock, it is broken. The poor creature is so confused it Gave Love but received a gangsta style beat down. So now it's in hiding with a do not disturb sign on the hotel door fearing for it's very existence. The heart is funny that way, once burned it's not eager to try and light the stove again anytime soon. In fact the last thing it want's is to even think of a stove. The hearts dearest friends say you need a distraction! how about we find you a brand new stove A fun stove A Hot stove! and the heart is thinking ARE YOU NUTS???? do you not see the huge scar that the last stove left? No thank you, I will deal with the "mild" in comparison pain of freezing before I try to get near another stove... That is just Lunacy.. and in disbelief the heart retreats back into hiding. Will the heart ever heal? Sure.. it doesn't think it will right now but it will none the less. It will carry those scars but hopefully it will be brave enough to try again someday. If not what a shame that would be for the wisest and fiercest warriors to behold are those that have been tried thru the fire, They carry the scars of experience passion and knowledge they proudly wear those scars as a display of their bravery..
But for now the heart cries so loud the neighbors complain.  The stomaches upset, the brain is at a loss for a solution, the lungs struggle to do their Job. the eyes run the water non stop in revenge to the host of the heart. the soul feels lost, the feet don't want to move but they aren't content in this place. The hands feel violent the want to smash something, they want to feel the swift slap of a face beneath their palm. And with all of this going on the host just feels in utter desolation, all of the tenants are in an uproar none of them will cooperate, they won't listen to reason. they refuse to hear logic for the ears trust nothing they hear anymore. The Mind never having been in this position try's to throw out scenarios constantly and wont let the host get so much as a night's sleep. not only scenarios but blame and ideas and reasons and possibilities, so many in fact the host feels like just tossing the mind out altogether.  the host considers medical help but then realizes that it is a sickness that must run it's course and there isn't a medication that will alleviate the symptoms. The host did try massive doses of alcohol but the symptoms just worsened and now the source has a headache to top it off.. so what is there to do but lay down and cry and then sit up and think and then crawl to the bathroom to wash up then stand up and take a breath then take a step and another and another and with each day the possibility of smiling becomes greater and greater until one day the ears hear laughing and is startled to discover that it is indeed coming from the mouth. the mouth that had been so quiet and inanimate. the mouths laughter is contagious and soon the heart opens the blinds to peak outside. soon the heart decides to take a stroll and get some air. and the possibilities then become positive and endless no longer does the mind feel obsessive no longer do the eye's unleash their torrent of water. No longer do the lungs struggle for a simple breath, the stomach feels almost normal the Hands want to embrace rather then strangle.  So is it a happy ending? NO because it's not yet the end.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

there's a Breeze

Tonight I opened my window to feel the breeze. It smelled like an old familiar scent of easier day's of fresh clean simple day's it is a crisp smell of a new season. Life is measured in season's. there is a season for everything, FALL-  A falling away of the Old, Winter- A dormant time for rest,  Spring- A time of rebirth and regeneration, Summer- A time for growth. And everything happens according to it's season. It's a good thing, it keep's Life in order. we all need a restful winter where we can hibernate by a fire with family reading and drinking cocoa. And just when we start to feel cabin fever it will be spring.