CONFUSION IS THE PRELUDE TO CLARITY...
Confusing thoughts and feelings that I don’t want to feel, I want to be numb and I want to forget but I cant. My mind is a trap it lets things in that I don’t want and wont let them out.. is it for self protection yes I fear it must be, but I don’t want it.. I feel powerless. I feel hopeless and confused I feel wrong and old and useless. I let so much life pass me by.. I thought I was looking for love so I fell back into this life but it became the rabbit hole and I am faced with the mad hatter trying to force his crazy on me.. he tries to keep me frazzled and dumb and confused. He lies to me and he terrorizes me, but then he hugs me and cares for me when I am broken and crying.. he picks me up and holds me and I feel such Love or what I think could be love. Could be dependence but how could I know… what I seem to put out of my mind is that he knocks me down in order to pick me up.. but why? I don’t really understand and I feel like even if it were explained I still wouldn’t understand.. I wrote this next part a month before I left my husband. Me and my children moved back home to Mi to live with my mother who is very helpful. Her and my father are such a blessing to me, but my Mother is emotionally abusive and has been since I was a child so I realized I would have a very hard struggle to face, like jumping from the frying pan into the fire..
If I could get my thoughts and feeling's on to this piece of paper and then those words could manifest into a plan well then I would be all set.. I second guess myself so much that I make it impossible to make a plan. I am so afraid that what I am feeling might be temporary and if I take steps to change things then what if later I change my mind or it was the wrong thing to do.. what if what if what if..... I gotta say that although I am so sick of the what if game, i cant help but to play it. there is no doubt that I need a plan. but figuring out the lay of the land is so difficult for me. and what should I be planning for? I know what I want out of life. but how do I obtain it. when it is finally revealed to you in a way that you can no longer ignore or question how do you process the major amount of bs and not feel frightened that everything you see is skewed ??? I dont know what or who to trust. I trusted someone with my very life for nearly 16 years, and I thought he was my best friend but so often he is my enemy. I thought he was my allay but he often turns out to be my adversary . I thought he was my lover but he is in actuality my hater. and it has been this way for a very long time. I have hurt him in the past and maybe he has never gotten over it but the reality that I am faced with is even though he says he loves me he does not. he loathes me for the way his life is shaping up. and worst of all he is hurting our children. he says things about there mother that they should not have to hear and he try's to get them on his side he also mistreats them verbally when he is angry. so you say wow then leave.. right well I would but there always seems to be a reason to stay. the kids have school where will i go what will i do for a job? how can I support the kids? will i lose myself and be a bad mother to them.. not that I am a good mom now, this way. that i am now.. I do not function normally most day's. oh sure I go thru the motions but i am not really here. I distance myself for a lack of know how... how to cope with all of the pressure. he tells me that I cant care for myself so I would not be able to care for the kids. and he says I lay around and do nothing but eat.. and the more he says... the less motivation I have. he says I will never be happy. I am impossible to please. I am to critical. I have no motivation. and sometimes i think he is right. I am maybe to blame for the initial problems. maybe I drove him to this behavior. he asks me how much I think he can put up with? and I dont know maybe he cant put up with anymore from me. but he says he loves me so he continues to try to "tolerate" me. and really I do not want to be "tolerated" I want to be loved for what and who I am, not what I might become or what I should be but for ME. but what is there to love about me when I am this way.. nothing... I am no good to anyone like this.. and I dont know why he keeps saying these things to me.. what type of person continues to smash a fly with there humongous foot after the fly is noticeably crushed? doesnt he see that I get it. I am no good, I tell him that if he wants me to be better then he has to stop crushing me. but without fail the cycle goes on and about every three days I am the biggest loser to have ever married or had children. and the worst part is I would be happy as a lark If I thought that I was pleasing to someone. if I was of value or of use to someone I would be ecstatic.. but when I look at the past there have been very few times in our marriage that I have lived up to his expectations.. he expects perfection and I can not give it.. nor can my children and if I feel this way as a grown woman I cant imagine how my children feel. this is such mind terrorism.. it is mind control so that we will not leave him. so we will not think we can do better, funny thing is, is that it is this very behavior that makes me want something better. if he were loving and kind and even- tempered there would be nothing better then this man to me. I had children with this man I gave myself to this man for what was supposed to be forever. there is nothing better then holding on to that. but me holding on to this is tearing my family to pieces. and is killing me mind body and soul. he says I will never change.... So I think it is time for me to say oh yeah well watch this... and I know I should not let anyone knock me down but hey if you are pushed hard enough you WILL fall. I am strong I am very strong believe me. i am smart and I am loving but I am not super human and I have fallen down and I think no less of myself for that.. but I do think less of myself for the untimely manor it is taking me to peel myself off the ground.. and I know I would hate myself if I NEVER got up. all I am doing is being an accomplice in the emotional abuse of my children and I am enabling someone to abuse me who under different circumstances might be a perfectly lovely man . so again do you see what I have done haha I have blamed myself for the demise of all four of us, my mind is quick but very confused. like i said I just do not know how to process what is going on right now. am I making a mountain out of a mole hill. do I have princess syndrome like Bill say's ? well what I know is if I could trust what Bill say's then he would be dealing with me with love rather then hate. but having said that it does not mean that the seeds of doubt have not been planted. .. they are trying to take root and the harder I fight this the more crap seems to be thrown at me. and I have tried many ways to pacify the situation. I have tried being docile, subservient, loving, analytical, crazy, angry, crazier, intimidating, and back to docile. and I am a women so most of these thing's I can do all at once or at least in quick succession.. jk lol... I have literally cried, begged, screamed, kicked, threw fits, cried more, I have tried to reason and calmly talk thru it and nothing I do stop's the behavior on his part. perhaps the cycle gets drawn out longer the emotional abuse is less frequent when things seem to be going his way. and just to keep in mind this is solely from my point of view, I am far from perfect, I can be quite cold and distant from him and I know that is bothersome I can be lazy at time's and that drives him nuts. and I can be critical like he say's. so just to be fair he has some reason to complain. but the more he complains the more placid I get, not on purpose but when faced with this situation I find it easier to shut down. I really wonder if I am the one expecting perfection and therefore he can do no right with me? no ya know I dont really think so. I would live in a shack with him if he loved me like he should. see the big difference is my view of how he should love me and his view of how he should love me. I think he should be kind and compassionate and he thinks he should buy me something and serve me a coke. what I want from him is purely physical and mental, and those are the things he has the hardest time with. in conclusion to my rant. I would like to say that I will better the lives of myself and my children, without question and whatever guilt or hurt I feel over the steps I have to take will have to ride in the back seat. they can not ride shotgun anymore, I have precious children and I need to do whats best for them... now see, as I am thinking about that I really seriously wonder if me being a single mom to them is best? he loves them. and is their dad. Is taking them from their dad whats right? And what is out there for me? Struggles, heart ache ? dating.....? boy that sounds fun. ha a 30 something single mom is on the market fellow's... wow where can I sign up for that bag of fun... LOL but the pisser of it is that staying here is worse then all of that... so again back to the top... what if its worse out there. wa wa wa uhg I am sick of my own self, how must my friends and family feel. I am sure they feel like slapping me and saying get it together... well I am trying and I WILL OVERCOME THIS OBSTACLE.... ... ... ... ... ... i think.. jk lol
So A year after I wrote this I am back with him. HOW did this happen you ask…. Well I am an idiot… I stayed strong for so long and crumbled at the end. I fell one step from the finish line.. He waited for me to forget and then he pounced. How does A seemingly intelligent woman fall for the trap of cyclical abuse? well because abuse follows no logic..