Monday, September 27, 2010
Despite what I may deserve this is what I have. My ego is small and tells me I am another hand me down. He couldn't Love me. why? I don't know. He was mean and cruel and always put himself first emotionally. Was it me? Was it my fault? maybe some of it was because he has expectations that I didn't live up to, but instead of leaving he just degraded, yelled, demeaned, mocked, intimidated and complained about who I am. Could I have imagined this outcome? no.. not me. 16 years and it's like there was never anything between us. Like getting fired from your job right before retirement without even getting the dumb gold engraved watch for all your services rendered. But what I know is I can no longer care. I am moving on, I have no time for wallowing. This is humbling and forces self reflection. What can I learn from this, how can I apply it to the next half of my life so I can really make it count. What will I sacrifice for real Love? Everything except myself. Everyone who knows me could see heartbreak from 500 miles away but I couldn't see it until it hit me in the face. It took my breath away it took my mind away. It did not take my spirit though. It cut me open and left me to bleed, but I did not die. Waking up after being knocked out hurts. but you cant get up and walk until you wake up, you feel the pain suddenly and acutely but its a strengthening pain, a necessary pain, a healing pain.