I Remember in vivid detail the last time I saw him..
I was so excited to get there, I drove for 2 hours.
I hadn't seen him in quite a few weeks. That is torture when your in love.
I cooked him A turkey meatloaf and peanut butter no bake cookies (his favorites.)
He wanted me to come to his place for a long weekend. He took friday off which was a surprise for me because he never takes a day off work.
I thought wow he must really want to spend a lot of time with me.
We had such a nice time, he was so affectionate and cuddly and I Just felt so much love for him..
I stayed with him from Thursday until sunday evening. although looking back I can see the hints he was giving off that he wanted me to leave much earlier than I did.
I am a stupid girl, It is painfully obvious now, But at the time I had no idea.
He took me for sushi, I had never had sushi I liked it very much. I felt like things were good for the most part. Yeah I was still a little shy but only because I don't see him often and I am always so concerned with making a good impression.
I remember that last day I just didn't want to leave because when I see him and then have to leave I feel physical pain, I miss him incredibly bad. I don't know exactly how to explain it. Best I can describe it, is it's kind of like you did the most amazing drug then you come down and everything is shit... and all you can think about is that next high.
He said to me before I left "Well I hope I didn't bore you and I hope you had fun" I kissed his neck and hugged him and whispered in his ear "don't be crazy you could never bore me, I always have fun with you."
The sunday I left I kissed him a lot, and when I finally did leave ( and this is the part that replays in my head over and over again)
He walked me to the door and I kissed him three times, Then turned to walk away, I turned back around to look at him and ran back to kiss his lips one more time, he smiled at me and I left.
Now I wonder If he knew then that he was going to break my heart and never see me again.
I drove home feeling on top of a cloud thinking that our relationship of a year was finally going to move forward. I hated how much I missed him and I felt a little pathetic for it.
But I thought he felt some of the same. I was wrong, very wrong..
I knew within a few days that something was wrong but I tried to ignore it chalking it up to my over active imagination.
But this time I wasn't imagining it, Something was very wrong but He didn't have enough respect or empathy or compassion or decency to Tell me.
He was sick that following week and had a busy week at work, so I made sure I gave him lots of space and patience and understanding. 2 weeks later I was so upset I was crying myself to sleep nearly every night knowing something was very wrong because he was very distant.
I went to Houston to visit Family and thought I could put it out of my mind for the time being. But I couldn't, I was secretly distraught. No one could tell but inside I was dying.
I was on the way to the beach with my family and I just couldn't help myself so I txt him and prodded him for some answers about what the hell was going on. As I was walking in the sand to our designated little beach area, He said "what I felt for you when we first started dating and seeing each other just isn't there anymore".
And I swear it felt like my blood turned to lava and was burning me from the inside out.
I am dramatic but I over exaggerate nothing in this story. I literally wanted to lay in the sand and cry, But my whole family was there so I had to leave the convo alone and pretend to be fine.
He told me he just needed time to sort out his feelings because he just didn't know what he really felt anymore.
I knew that was essentially a breakup but I was not going to really think of it until I got home.
so 8 days later I txt him and asked him why he let me continue to fall in love with him if he didn't feel the same way, and why did he have me stay the weekend with him?
He said" because I gave into feeling bad about hurting you and I thought the 10th time was the charm and would change everything, It didn't"..
I think My heart broke at that instant.. what can you say to that?
so I said Ok
Well I don't really understand I feel like a fool and I wish you would have just shared your feelings with me sooner. I said thank you for indulging me this morning, I'll Miss you *******
He said you don't have to thank me and I will miss you too ****.. .. .. .. So after a year its over. and that is all that could be said. I feel cheated and devalued and hurt and devastated.. I deserved more then that. I deserved better treatment then that.
But regardless of the unfairness and my hurt and anger, Love doesn't just disappear.
and my mind is incorrigible and keeps reverting back to our last weekend. And I feel so very stupid thinking that he knew that once I left he was finished. I wouldn't wish the pain of that on my worst enemy. It destroyed my heart my pride ego and soul.. I cant imagine not being with him. I can't imagine kissing another man or being Loved by another man.
I don't understand what happened and why he did this to me. it is the worst feeling.
the vivid memory playing like a movie of me running back to kiss the man I love one more time and as he smiles at me and tells me goodbye I feel as though everything is just perfect and I am such a lucky girl But the whole time He knew what he was going to do.. It kills me to think about it. How torturous that weekend must have been for him having to spend it with me. I am just distraught.. I am also Pissed because I was ignored, dismissed and thrown aside without even a real conversation. I have been treated very badly at different times in my life but this is among the top ranking. And to have it said It was for my benefit to try and avoid hurting me, That sounds a lot like misguided pity.. and how dare he pity me.. as if I can't handle up front honesty. How could he spend that entire weekend with me knowing what he knew.. I can't fathom it, how someone could be so cruel..
I can't sleep, I can't eat, Or I over eat the wrong things.. I cry at least 3 times a day. and I don't want to feel this pain or live without him. But I must. what choice am I left with. I am a gorgeous girl. The most attractive girl he has dated. I am intelligent and classy. But none of it matters, not my sweetness or my loyalty my patience my Love. It wasn't enough.