I am like a stupid child who plays in traffic. Anxiously waiting for the next car to come so I can be run over. but then I have the nerve to get mad and say how dare that car run me over. and then everyone says your so stupid why did you let that car run you over, and I say well I thought the car had changed I didn't realize it was going to run me over. but that car has run you over so many times before. and I say I know but this time I really thought the car felt bad and wouldn't run me over. the car really seemed to have changed. And I try to rationalize why I stood in the street why I invited the car to run me over. but there is no rational answer to that because its totally irrational. most people learn their lesson the first or second time. I on the other hand did not. I am sometimes so diluted that because I have stood in the street for so long I am afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to not be run over. as I am writing these words I am thinking them very loudly in my head.. I AM AFRAID TO GET OUT OF THE DAMN ROAD... SERIOUSLY.. REALLY.. that is so messed up.. I am afraid of life where I am not blind sided. ha how did this become my life. why have I stood in the street for so long, do I not have the use of my frontal lobe the home of logic and reasonability. could I not deduct that my life was being systematically taken over by turmoil pain fear and hard times. I'm not this girl. I am nice and pleasant and try to always do what's right.. hahaha well there in lies the start to my problem, I have an inaccurate view of myself. I am not that nice I don't always try to do what's right I am not perfect or innocent or a victim. I am just like everyone else there is no halo of protection hovering over me, In the Movies the good people always come out on top so when in my mind I am basically the good guy and everyone else is the bad guy then my Life has to turn out for the best right? yeah that rationale is gonna land me in a nursing home 50 years from now not with a lifetime of memories but a lifetime of regret. my choices do have consequences. I really need to grow up and grow a back bone and say ENOUGH. its not really in my control if someone gets hurt and its not my responsibility to take care of other grown people. And what's my motivation for making myself out to be a martyr? In my mind I need to be perfect which is impossible so when I fail at being perfect its always someone elses fault because after all everyone else is an asshole and I am nice and sweet and giving and mother effing Teresa .. But I'm not and I need to learn that its okay not to be. everything has a balance and I need to find mine because I am seriously off balance. I need to stop all of the fancy talk and walk the walk out of the road..
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