Friday, October 22, 2010
A new day a new dawn.
So I head off on this new journey, for most they took this journey shortly after high school. but I didn't, I got married young and moved from my parents house right to having my own family. I had a husband and children and I depended on my husband. 16 year's later I moved back home with my parent's. I have literally never lived alone. Not to mention responsible for a household and 2 kid's.. I do somewhat doubt my ability. I am a little worried. I have heard women say that they have remarried soon after a divorce because they needed help finically and parentally but I cant imagine betraying my hope for a future and my morales and the thing that I WiLL find. Peace and LOVE are the things I am looking for. if it were a pay check and a firm hand and that's the end what's the point in divorce why not just suffer thru one bad marriage rather then 2? That wont be me. (sorry kid's look's like it's gonna be a hard knock life for awhile because Momma's not playin that game.) My brother say's you HAVE to make a plan he yelled at me and said what are you gonna do now that mom and dad are moving in 5 day's.. I said Everything will be fine don't worry, as I am close to tear's. But I say why do I need a plan?? I have made plan's and none of them have worked out. I planned to raise 2 kid's side by side with a partner and remain married for the duration of my life. that didn't work out, I planned to stay home with my children, old fashioned yes but It's what I found value in. what I do has to have value to me or I will not waste my time on it.. I invested in my home my husband and my children. not a career not a college education. my plans didn't work out. It's not the end of the world but I will not get all worked up over making plans that never work out. You cant plan chance and Life is made up of mostly chance. I will worry about tomorrow, Tomorrow. I will do what I must today to bring a better tomorrow one day at a time. Ha my mom say's I remind her of scarlet O'hara from gone with the wind, in more then one way but in this particular way the most. the way that when Scarlet is faced with a problem she say's I will think about it tomorrow, only tomorrow never comes in other word's she never thinks of it. I don't worry about things I cant change today, because I cant.. If I did I would curl up in a ball rocking back and forth drooling on myself.. It would over whelm me to make plans that never pan out, It would over whelm me to think of tomorrow because I am intuitive enough to know that thinking about it and planing for it are futile. Life doesn't just happen to you but what's gonna happen is gonna happen event's get set into motion and like inertia It follows a natural law. in other word's hey Shit happens. not to say that planning for the future is futile altogether but in My situation I find it more suitable to just let the cards fall where they will and then figure things out. so I will think of it tomorrow. and anyways in my experience things always look better tomorrow, and everything works out in the end and I am still alive and healthy and so are my kids so something went right.. I am not trying to minimize life and responsibility and problems but I just cant dwell on that stuff. as Bob Marley would say "I cant live that negative way, bring on the positive day.. I hate conflict, drama, harsh word's and stress.. lol yes I am aware that as a living human being I will encounter these things daily.. But they effect me deeply and I Won't knowingly add more burden to myself getting crazy over what ifs.. I might be totally Full of crap right now.. I will blog about it in a few day's when I have a clearer perspective. right now I feel off kilter my center is off I am ruffled with the changes taking place.. I am a survivor tho, So where I am nervous and a little less then confident I also know that I will make this work..